The morning after we broke up, right after he left for work, right after our last kiss good-bye, I moved my (grandmother’s) engagement ring to my right hand. For the past three months of my life, I have viewed this ring as a commitment to my self.

damnitamber:

I’ve never liked being alone. I’ve always found it unsettling and scary and avoided loneliness at all costs. When I was much younger I’d get into relationships with men I didn’t love just have company, just to have a way of keeping loneliness away. I’ve been that way most of my life, having spent 13 of the last 14 years in and out of romantic relationships. Until recently.

When I moved to Boston I was alone constantly and I hated it. I knew before I even left Seattle that I would be alone a lot once I moved, and I was fearful about that. My first few months in Boston I cried and hid in my room most of the time. I didn’t have a job yet, I didn’t have friends yet, and my boyfriend was always busy at Harvard. I made desperate phone calls to my best friends back home, threatening to drop out of school and move back to Seattle because the idea of staying in Boston by myself for a year was too much to handle. I became angry when my boyfriend couldn’t hang out and break the loneliness for me. I stayed up all night, unable to sleep because I was sleeping alone in a house with people I didn’t know in a city that was totally foreign to me.

Slowly, however, I got used to being alone. And then quickly after that, I really started enjoying it. All day I anticipated the moment I could come home, close my bedroom door, and just be with myself. 

There were several reasons I ended my relationship a few weeks ago, but needing to be alone was one of them. I didn’t identify it as such at the time, I was mostly operating from a place of following my intuition and making a decision that felt “right”. Now that I’ve had some time to reflect on my motives, I can see that being in a relationship was interfering with a really important process of self discovery. I have been waiting all my adult life to feel sated, to feel whole on my own, and I finally started to feel it. I wanted to explore that feeling far more than I wanted to continue giving myself to my romantic relationship, because I’ve always given myself to romantic relationships. I’ve been trading self discovery for self sacrifice my whole adult life. I’ve been married, divorced, abandoned, abused. I’ve given birth, dropped out of school, uprooted myself and moved. I’ve done so much for the men I’ve loved that there has barely been time to even ask myself if that’s what I wanted. Not every relationship I’ve entered into was informed by my need to not be alone, but many were.

As I usually do when I break up with someone, I tried to rebound immediately. I had two dates lined up within 3 day of my breakup. But, I didn’t go on those dates. No longer motivated by loneliness, I find that I’m not at all interested in dating. I feel so good and whole on my own, I don’t have much interest in finding something to distract me from that wholeness. 

I keep looking back, not with regret, but with amusement at all the years I spent chasing something I had the whole time. I’ve spent so much time trying to find happiness in others when I could have cultivated it myself all along.

<3 The Goddess Amber speaks the truth.

I.

afraid of my love

kept in locked boxes inside

you don’t know at all.

II.

I resist these surges of longing,
ignore palpitations in rhythm with your name
and hush the whispers of desire that surface with each wave of blush sent to my cheeks.

I have a sleepover tomorrow night.

What the fuck does an adult woman bring to a planned sleepover with a lover? Am I supposed to own some fancy train case or some shit? Must I bring silk chemises and robes? 
Obviously, I’m kidding, but I am curious about what I’m supposed to bring. It’s not like I’m going to wear anything to bed, so… A toothbrush and clean panties? Is that all? A vibrator?

Afternoon.

I warned you, but if you want to read more, go right ahead.

While having a date with myself this morning over tea and The Ethical Slut, I realized an emotional blockage I’ve been dealing with for about two years now. I was reading about communication with one’s partner and how vulnerability plays a major role in healthy relationships, and a few things went CLICK for me. I’m not one to hide my emotions, but I have been trained, simply by life experience, that the depth of my emotions are never reciprocated. They might be respected, but my partners never feel as deeply as I do.

And so I stopped feeling deeply.

CLICK!!

Obviously, lots of people feel things deeply and passionately, but I wandered one path and that was what I learned. Now, I get to seek out different truths and experiences and I will try to reopen myself to the beautiful possibilities of love, whatever it brings.